Orthoprax at home
So why does a non-believer like me stay frum - even in the privacy of my home.
Sorry, it's quiz time again. But now we get some answers in the same post.
I work for the Jewish Morals society and I'm trying to infiltrate the Kofrim so I can "out" them.
Even though OJ is a sham, God put me in an OJ environment and wants me to be Frum.
I'm afraid of change.
I'm afraid of Lakewood Yid.
Make up a good reason for me. Your's might be as good as mine.
There are some major reasons and some finer points. Here's the biggie.
I touched upon this in a slightly different context. See, Chazal were very smart. They, possibly unknowingly, implanted in me a level of doubt that took me many years to get over.
"Lo Uvdo Avodah Zarah Ela L'hatir Lahem Arayos"
Every school child asks the same question, and it's a great one! How can God punish me for serving other Gods if I really believe in another God?
And the answer is brilliant, for the most part.
I really don't believe in the other God, it's just that the other God is not as strict as Yahweh and will let me sleep around. So I delude myself into thinking Baal is the real thing. But really I know. Chazal pre-empted the intellectual excuse for leaving Juadaism.
As a fresh apostate, my hands were really tied.
Maybe I found this new science just so I can leave religion. In other words, unknowingly, I was pre-empting Jewish Philosopher. He accused me of deciding against OJ for emotional reasons, to follow my Taavos. And I, as a nice ehrlicha Baal Habos, was actually thinking along the same lines.
I stayed Frum, afraid to trust my own judgement.
Want to know how wacked out/Frum out I was? (is that a word? wacked out? maybe it's whacked out.)
I was so frum, that a short while later, I stopped learning. Huh? Frum? Yes, I stopped learning. Because, I don't remember where it says, "Oros Shebah machzirin L'mutov". The light in Torah returns one to Hashem. But that's as long as one is not learning L'kantair. As long as you're not learning to find find fault with Torah. And I was. Ever since my switch, everything I learnt was to ask a Kashia, critical and looking for problems.
My life was an emotional roller coaster.
To be continued.....
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