Beans on the Table - Part II

Continued from here.



I guess I had been somewhat misreading my wife's signal and I should have known better. When she says XYZ she means XYZ and not XYZZ.

Recently we had spent more time than usual discussing religion, probably because I'm often directing the conversation in that direction. And I heard what I wanted to hear. My wife nor I recall the exact words I used to break it to her, it was that difficult. She knew right away that I was serious and she was just shell shocked. Take it from me - lack of Emunas Chachomim is not lack of Emuna. Cynicism is not skepticism. They may be related but they are totally different.

It turns out that my wife has no doubts about basic tenets of Orthodox Judaism. She's no pushover; she won't believe bubbe maises from rebbes 100 years ago and does not generally believe in rebbes and mekubalim. The splitting of the sea, Mattan Torah and all the miracles of the past are exactly that. They occurred in a far away time when miracles did happen and Jews really were holier then now. And "then" is not now. And OJ is what God expects of us. Maybe OJ is not exactly the same now as then, and we don't know details about Gan Eden, Moshiach, but it's all basically true.

At first it seemed to me like it was going to be a non-event. There was almost no reaction, I guess that's the meaning of shell shocked. "But what do you believe?" she asked. I was not prepared to get into that discussion at this point.

She is very concerned and worried. She wants to know what it means.

I say it doesn't mean anything. I've been this way for 8 years and I'm still the same me. Just my beliefs have changed. I go to shul, daven. She is well aware of this, she sees me running to shul and going to shiurim. She is confused. I don't know where this next question comes from but she asked me "do you keep Kosher?". I said "of course".

As a way of assuring her I also say I have no plans of leaving or anything like that. It's just something I can no longer keep to myself.

She is relieved and she tells me she loves me even though she does not understand what's going on. We talk some more, lots more.

She says she is happy I did not tell her eight years ago. There's no way she could have handled it then. Twenty five years ago, I'd have been out the door.


"I'm not the only one like this", I said. "You mean M___________"? she asked. I said no, I don't know anyone personally. "There are people on the web, lot's of them." And then it clicked. "All that time, you spend on the computer?" I said yes. She laughs and says she is relieved I'm not surfing for porn.

My wife spends very little time on the computer, Every now and then I handhold her while she shops at her favorite mail order place. But that's it. She has never even seen a blog, she just heard the word.

I forge ahead, "I have a blog".


"What? You're the ringleader?"

I'm laughing now, "Not quite, a blog is nothing, just some nobody posting what's on their mind and other people responding"

But there are lots of people like me. Hundreds, maybe thousands.

"Do you want to see the blog?". a look of worry comes over her face.

"Not now. I mean tonight, after Shabbos."

Once again she is relieved. "Well, I don't know what you mean".


I tell her how it happened, how a regular guy like me can just change his mind. I didn't go looking for it, it just happened because of books that I read.

"Well, why can't you just read another book that will explain it differently"

I try to explain that it wasn't a book that I read directly about Yiddishkeit that disproves it. Just science & History. We go through some of the basic stuff you hear on Blogs. How I just see things from a different perspective.

And then comes the expected. "There must be someone you can speak to".

"Not really."

"Why not?"

"Because no one really knows for sure".

She acknowledges this. She realizes that religion is faith and there are no proofs.

At this point I want to get it all out in the open. I press on with something else. My wife knows about Hella Winston because we talked about her book recently, a book that she took out of the library for me. She also knows that I attended an event recently that Hella chaired. My wife also knew that I wanted to volunteer for Footsteps. But she did not know that I ever had any direct contact with Hella.

I press ahead telling her that I met Hella Winston for lunch. At this point my wife starts crying while I re-assure her that it just happened two days ago and I had no choice but to keep it from her, until now. She is once again relieved.


We talk for a long time.

Motsoei Shabbos I show her my blog. My latest post at that time is a humorous one - 10 reasons why I hate weddings. Lucky for me. It breaks the ice. She says she never knew I wrote so well. But then I show her some other posts and she is not amused.

But she does take it well.

She has a great sense of humor and uses humor to deflect some of her hurt.

She is very understanding.

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It's now a week later - We have survived.


I can't help feel that I let my wife down but this is life. I am in a much better frame of mind. I don't need to go sneaking around on the phone when I call Footsteps or spend time on the computer.

My wife feels she now has something new to daven for.

I know I have traded in my own piece of mind at her expense. I can think of the analogy of someone confessing an affair to a spouse but this is different. An affair can be over and done with and someone can put it behind them (I only imagine this, I have no first hand experience). But skepticism does not go away. It was literally tearing me apart and it is better that she found out thru me directly and not some other way..

Of course life is never simple. Now there is a new challenge. How to explain my skepticism in a way that will not affect her faith.

My wife's advice to other skeptics out there is to think long and hard before confiding in your spouse.

In general I am confident we will do well. I have reclaimed my best friend

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On a personal note, I'd like to thank all of you who wished me well in the prior post and via Email. It was much appreciated.

BHB