21 November 2006

Oy vey, another invitation.

Here's the top 10 reasons I don't like weddings anymore.

10 - Weddings are no longer the special event they used to be. I get an invitation every other day; It must be because I'm so popular, or is it my wife they're inviting and I'm just the chauffeur? Hmmmm.

9) When did we go from weddings to chassunehs. They used to be so more classy.

8)Am I the only one that has to get up before 9 AM? Doesn't anyone else work for a living? Why do all the weddings run so late? Fire the photographers to fix this one!

7) Notice how the elegance and class is gone? Every wedding is exactly the same. It's my understanding that people used to wear a Tux to go to a wedding. Now, it's a sea of black. And it's become the same by the women. Of course I can't see the women because I can't be caught peeking behind the Mechitza, but that's what my Eishes Chayil tells me!

6) It's so jam packed. The whole world is there and there's no room to sit, let alone dance. Ever try to find a seat at the Smorg?

I guess everyone else is just as popular as me, err, I mean my wife!

5) It's mamesh a shanda. It's the most important day of many people's lives and the chupah is so noisy. People milling around in the back, talking on cell phones, people entering during the procession, etc. A real lack of Middos.

4) We should all should start a class action suit against the Bands & Orchestras, because "ITS TOO DAMN LOUD". What'd you say? Speak up! I can't hear you!

3) Hey! Whatever happened to dessert? They serve it during the last dance and by the time you get back to your seat it's gone :(

2) I always meet my old high school friends who have more hair than me, never the ones with less hair. Hey, is my old classmate wearing a toupe?

1) And the number one reason why I hate weddings:

In circle dancing, that big fat shzlub behind me thinks my back is a great place to rest his belly.

So, what's YOUR favorite frum wedding peeve?

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    At November 22, 2006 4:14 AM, Blogger rebelmo said...

    Always more food on the womens side

    Tzedakah people at the door

    Smelly people

    At November 22, 2006 7:02 AM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    Rebelmo, I forgot about that one, the collectors, especially.

    At November 22, 2006 8:25 AM, Blogger happywithhislot said...

    Welcome back!

    Let me be contrarian.

    Ill post first what I like.

    The food at chasidush weddings is much, much better. I love the boiled white fish, tail please.

    The chicken is nice and heimish.

    I like the one man band.

    I like the fact they don't hold you hostage. That is they feed you the main and then you dance.

    I like walking into the woman section to say mazel tov to my aunts or cousins.

    I like the way a mo chasenah was done. You have chupah and then the shmorg. Then you leave if you're not invited to dinner.

    What I hate:

    I have so many cousins in satmer that I'm thinking of moving to williamsburg or Monroe, that's how many weddings I'm invited to. I've chosen not to go to 99% of them. That ticks off my father. Which makes him drive me nuts. "to the friends you can go, but not to family?"

    I hate the neturei karta showing up at all my cousins weddings

    I hate the kids who always knock you over and never say excuse me.

    I hate that if you don't attack the waiter when he comes out with food you won't get served.

    I hate the parking in williamsburg.

    And I agree 100%, I hate loud music!!!

    At November 22, 2006 8:53 AM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    Happy, there are two types of WillyB weddings. The Eden Palace type and the Continental (is that still around) type. I see your weddings are like continental. I really don't like those. No placecard, etc).

    Anyhow, You remind me of another Petpeeve, at least at yeshiva weddings. The "drenched in sweat Bochur" who grabs your hand to dance. Ugh.

    At November 22, 2006 9:16 AM, Blogger happywithhislot said...

    Ugh indeed!

    Re halls,
    There is also the vayoel moshe. And that hall with great food next to the new satmer Bais medrash. What about the rose castle?

    i don't mind the fancy weddings at marina, but the dinner is never worth eating. Nothing compares to the boiled white fish, challah, the heimish chicken, wild rice, and hot kugel at continental

    Its just tasty.

    At November 22, 2006 9:49 AM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    > Nothing compares to the boiled white fish, challah, the heimish chicken, wild rice, and hot kugel at continental

    What? No sushi in WillyB?

    At November 22, 2006 1:39 PM, Anonymous MK said...

    Welcome back BHB!
    (I was beginning to think you did Tshuva and abandoned the trief blogshpere. LOL)

    So after being gone for a month and a half, all you have to say for yourself is you hate weddings?!?

    As to my peeves about weddings:
    Only in WillyB do the valet parkers change your radio station, open your glove box, and then demand a dollar tip!

    Got to admit though, the best food is there, especially Ateres Avrohum. Those chasidim know how to cook. :-)

    In any case I'm glad you're back, and I look forward your wonderful, if sometimes erroneous, insights into life.

    At November 22, 2006 2:43 PM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    MK, great to be back! No, no , no need for teshuva for me. When I do something wrong, I do Teshuva!

    Ever see Seinfeld? I'm glad we don't have valets like that. If you don't know what I mean, it's just not worth explaining.

    Food in Ateres Avrohomo is super! But isn't the checf there someone who went to culinary school? See secular education non only produces the doctors for the Chassidim, event the best food! (but I always stuff myself there, so I'm sick the next day).

    Anyhow, I figured I'll start off my return in a lighthearted fashion.


    At November 22, 2006 3:12 PM, Anonymous heavychussid said...

    what have you against some of us who eat too much choolent?

    At November 22, 2006 4:51 PM, Blogger happywithhislot said...

    Ateres Avrohum

    thats the one!
    Its a fantastic operation.

    At November 22, 2006 10:28 PM, Blogger Baal Habos said...


    I'm not a lightweight myself, but I don't expect the person in from of me too support me.

    At November 23, 2006 3:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Finally, a new post.
    Correction - the chef in Ateres Avrohom is Moshe Teitelbaum, and he most certainly did not go to culinary school (although he cooks like he did).

    At November 23, 2006 5:48 PM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    IAGN, it's odd to be welcomed back by someone I never knew existed. But thanks. I hope to post a little less frequently than before so I won't burn out again. I took off for 40 days, you know, like to correct a bad midda.

    Anyhow, you sound like you know, so I stand corrected. Does this fella come out during the smorg in his cooking outfit? Maybe I've got the wrong Willyb hall.

    At November 23, 2006 7:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Personnaly I LOVE weddings, the only negative thing I can think of is the people who have no clue how to dance and keep knocking you over, or the ones who feel the serious need to stamp their feet down as hard as they can while "dancing" and as a result half the place is walking with a limp from being stumped on.

    At November 23, 2006 7:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Good post btw, love the list.

    At November 24, 2006 12:13 AM, Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

    This was the funniest post I ahve seen a loooong time! I am peeing in my pants (figuratively) reading these and seeing the pics you chose for each one!

    It was worth the wait of over a month for this post!!

    At November 24, 2006 7:07 AM, Blogger Also A Chussid said...

    This all is a blessing for me… Since every shmoger-toger is invited to every shmoger’s chaseneh it is not evident when this also a shmoger here is not in attendance.

    At November 24, 2006 7:20 AM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    Chasid Skuts, welcome. Funny you should say that. I once got kicked in the ankle, I was sore for weeks.

    LV , welcome back. So, theres LOL, ROFL and now PIP.

    I'm glad it's only figuratively!

    I literally do have these images in mind when I got o Chasummes. It took me a while to search them down. For the blasting noise, I was looking for a Large Ear with someone holding his hand over it and yellow sound waves bouncing off. Maybe I should have enlisted some of the talented arty people in WillyB to help me.

    AAC, you touched on a truth in general. Most people don't notice others and they don't really care. We all think of ourselves as the center of the world that everyone is watching us. But it's not really true.

    At November 24, 2006 9:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Baal, I've never commented on your blog before but I've been looking for a new one ever since I learned about your blog.
    I don't know if Moshe comes out in his uniform. Sorry. My knowledge is limited.

    As for one of my peeves - watching the women eye each other up and down from across the hall, and then facetiously tell their approaching friend, "Oh, you look fabulous. You lost SOOOOO much weight. How did you do it?" or listening to all the loshon horah and backstabbing that goes on during the meal. At some points, I would give my right arm for intelligent conversation.

    At November 24, 2006 11:01 AM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    IAGN, sorry, I don't follow, my blog is so bad, you're looking for a new one? ;)

    Who's Moshe?

    >As for one of my peeves - watching the women eye each other up and down from across the hall, and then facetiously tell their approaching friend, "Oh, you look fabulous. You lost SOOOOO much weight. How did you do it?"

    What's wrong with that? I wish some one told ME that I lost lots of weight!

    Does this mean you're commenting from the other side of the Mechitsa?

    I guess so. Don't feel bad, the conversation is not any better by the men. It's about shul & money. Backstabbing is takkeh horrible. Loshon Horah is all gone, but thank God there's still some Avak L"H or else I'd really fall asleep. How many times, can I say this soup needs more salt?

    I find that the best conversation is at mixed seating weddings. It's rare in my circles, but every once in a while, I get lucky.

    At November 24, 2006 12:33 PM, Blogger Baal Devarim said...

    "I find that the best conversation is at mixed seating weddings. It's rare in my circles"

    It is? They're relatively common in my circles. There are seats with red foam on them, and then there are seats with blue foam. I don't find the conversation generally interesting, however. Unless someone falls off his seat.

    At November 24, 2006 1:43 PM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    > There are seats with red foam on them, and then there are seats with blue foam.

    What, you attend weddings or political rallies?

    Actually, we also had red and blue seats, but they're on different sides of the Mechitsa.

    At November 25, 2006 6:51 PM, Anonymous Ben said...

    when they ask me if I davened mincha yet. I don't daven- not mincha, not maariv and certainly not shacharis

    At November 25, 2006 11:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Lol! Oh, you guys are so funny! I do so enjoy the mixed seating here.

    Weddings are easy to love so long as they’re optional. I hate the bubby that stands on the stage with an attendance book. She won’t forgive absence even if you were killed in an accident while the chupah processions take place…. If you by chance had a ‘good excuse (…)’ for bailing, she’ll be asking about you so much till all the relatives get busy lickin’ their fingers with speculation.

    And guys don’t complain about the toe-stepping. I’ll let you into the ‘interesting’ women’s side for a sec. There are heals, and then there are the stylish heals. Isn’t it great to be the dance floor for the happy third-cousin that’s busy busting her moves? And you don’t want to say anything so you hop off biting your tongue.


    At November 25, 2006 11:18 PM, Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

    PIP!!! lol that's funny!

    At November 26, 2006 12:59 AM, Blogger happywithhislot said...

    looks like lv is being faceitious.

    when i first got married, i went to lots of chasenahs from my wifes friends, where i didnt know a soul.
    i actualy enjoyed it, becuase i could focus on stuffing my self, and not having to talk to someone and lose out on the ribs they just put out.

    i also have a hard time juggling the plate(s), soda, and shaking someone hands.

    which reminds me, i hate the fact they dont give you a knife to cut the meat of the ribs.
    how the hell r u supposed to eat them?

    At November 26, 2006 1:09 AM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    Shpitz, welcome. That's a great observation. If it's optional it's perfect.

    LV, PIP was your line!

    At November 26, 2006 9:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Baal Habos, sorry. I wasn't clear. I meant to say, I was looking for a new POST from you. As for Moshe, I was refering to Moshe Teitelbaum, chef at Ateres Avrohom. As for the weight loss comment, I can tell you are so not a woman because the unwritten, albeit understood by women the world over, part of my sentence was that the same woman who compliments you on weight loss has made fun of your looks approximately 30 seconds prior to your approach. And if she hasn't had a chance to do so prior, she will certainly do so after.
    Shpitzle, oh those nasty heels. They are the reason I walk with my arms out, like a bird flapping her wings. It may be funny to look at, but I'll trade dignity for in tact toes. Then again, I'll trade the bother of getting dressed/made up for my down pillows and comforter, and a good book. Hey, if any part of me is going to get jabbed, I'd prefer it be my funny bone.
    Oh, and to the mother/bobby/great aunt, etc... who asks me where I was so long and why I arrived so late, my answer is "You should never ask a married woman such a question." Never fails to elicit an apology.

    At November 26, 2006 10:59 AM, Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

    Using PIP for "peeing in my pants" wasnt my idea! lol

    At November 26, 2006 12:57 PM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    IAGN, Oh! Now I follow, thanks! True, and my wife says that telling a woman "wow, you look great, you must have lost 40 pounds" is also an insult. The implication being that no woman has 40 pounds to lose ;)

    LV, and what anacronym would you have had me use?

    At November 26, 2006 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Baal Habos, when someone falsely compliments me on weight loss, I usually say, "With all the weight I lose every time you see me, I ought to be in the negative range by now." That usually shuts them up for next time.
    And by the way, after attending several simchas, I finally realized where the expression "LOVE IS IN THE AIR" originated. Ever notice how the air on either side of people's faces gets kissed, but not actually the people themselves?
    And if people had eyes in the back of their heads, they'd see the wandering glance of the person giving them a hug, as if the hugger is already scoping out her next interactee.

    At November 26, 2006 4:56 PM, Blogger Billie Jean said...

    Hurrah, he's back!

    I also hate weddings. I'm in my 20s and I'm sick of them already so I feel for you folks who are older than me.

    What I don't like is the sameness of them. They really are all exactly the same.

    I much prefer mixed weddings. Even just mixed seating is fine. We probably go to around half-half mixed-separate and the next couple will be mixed, so I'm looking forward to those.

    At November 26, 2006 8:16 PM, Blogger Baal Habos said...


    > Ever notice how the air on either side of people's faces gets kissed, but not actually the people themselves?

    That's cause they don;t want to mess up my makeup ;)

    Billie Jean, thanks, it's good to be back! IN your twenties? You've got a break probably till your 40's and then wedding season kicks into high gear with your and your friends kids. Start saving up now!

    At November 27, 2006 3:00 AM, Blogger Billie Jean said...

    I don't know... I've got lots of single friends and relatives still. Not sure about that break. But I doubt I have as many weddings as you, from the sounds of it.

    At November 28, 2006 2:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    In honor of your return BHB I'll share plony's 3 rules for enjoying a frum wedding. They are known as the rule of the "get" (appropriate for a wedding):

    Get in early
    Get face time with the baile simcha
    Get out (and take your damn dinner card with you).

    The drive home with the rebitzen at my side, trained after all these years (meet you in the hall in 20 minutes) and thinking about the nice quiet dinner I'll have instead of the shrieking band and that goofy dancing that looks like an Ingmar Bergman film and the cell phone squad in the hallway, now that's real simcha.

    Ploni Almonymous

    At November 28, 2006 9:59 AM, Blogger Baal Habos said...

    PA, I like the "get" aspect, similiar to that old joke - the refua before the Makkoh.

    That's good you're in phase with your wife.

    I like to get in Early for the smorg and quick exit. My wife likes the end. Since we always like to please each other, weddings are usually a way too long event for us. But even my wife is beginning to come around lately. It's just too much time wasted.

    I feel for the Baalei Simcha who, understandably so, would like to think that their chaassuna is special and can't fathom why aren't we all so excited to be there.

    And one more thing, what time to you take the rebbetsin home to her house and go back to pick up your wife?


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