05 March 2007

Monsey Herald

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Monsey, NY.

March 4, 2007

Police have identified the victim of a murder as Alfred E. Neumann. Mr Neumann is well known as the Founder and editor of the ever popular Mad Magazine.

Mr. Neumann was found stabbed to death, apparently while celebrating his Purim Feast.

There are reports that he was stalked earlier in the day and apparently had words with his assailant.

There are conflicting reports as to the nature of the conversation.

Some report the assailant as having screamed "Atheist" and Mr. Neumann responded with "No! I'm agnostic".

Another eyewitness describes the assailant as yelling "Amelikite!" & "Letz" and brandishing a large knife. He is purported to have yelled "I'll be the first to kill you!" Mr. Neumann is reported to have mumbled something that sounded like "No San hed rin! No San hed rin". These words are apparently of a foreign origin and are being investigated.

One witness, who identified himself only as XGH, reported hearing "I will plunge the knife in and enjoy seeing the blood gush all over".

The assailant is described as tall, slender & muscular wearing dark clothing and a white shirt.

Police questioned 46,613 people matching this description but eventually narrowed it down to an unnamed man who described himself as a Philosopher. The unidentified Philosopher was released after questioning. He provided an alibi as having been with a Mr. Ed.

Ed, from the Lakewood N.J. area corroborated the fact that the Philosopher was dining with him on Sunday Evening. Witnesses recall a wild masquerade party with many drunk men in attendance all holding Beer Steins. There were many women in evidence at the party but they all seem to be domestic help.

These bizarre events are further being investigated.


Happy Shushan Purim all. You Too JP.
But JP, NO! I'm not telling you my name!

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